Journal #1: Peacing out from my job for my Mental Health and Creative Goals ✌

My desk <3

For the record... this took quite the imaginary balls to write. But I thought I'd share - it's my blog I do what I want :) But also, I know that I'm not alone, and I'd like to speak up for all of the beautiful anxious people on this earth.

So I recently quit my job for my mental health. AND DUDE ITS SCARY!!!

I worked at a high school media center for a year, wearing many hats as a clerk, tech, and librarian. Students and teachers were not very happy with the news because I did my job VERY well and the kids saw me as that one "cool" media center person. But some of them understood when I did explain.

To not go too much on a tangent, writing a damn scroll of reasons why I left, I'll break it down by just saying this: I'm diagnosed with anxiety.

But also this: there might be more to my anxiety...

Since my own high-school days, I struggled with anxiety and clinical depression. I've seen a lot of therapists, had some episodes, and tried medication but stopped a couple of years later not seeing any difference, adopting self-care routines.

Eight years later the anxiety stuck... and I felt like the symptoms got more dramatic. Last year, especially working at the school and as a server for a bit, I started to really pay attention to them.

Behold, the BS that happens to me every day...

• shaky chihuahua-hands when people talk to me

• breaking sweat that I need to wear tank tops or something over to spare embarrassment from the stains :(

• ticking time-bomb heart beats out of NOWHERE or when people stare at me

• constant worries and overthinking about how I'm perceived around others on how I look, what I did, what should I do, what should I post on social media, what to suggest

• overanalyzing what I just did or said, what someone did or said

• feeling EVERYONE is looking at me when I walk through a door

• intrusive thoughts, most of them terrifying - like car accidents, or what if that person starts screaming, or an explosion, or if this place gets robbed.

• randomly stopping a task to do something else. Then something else... then something else, all under the span of an hour.

• feeling DRAINED of energy after work, just wanna take a nap

• waking up like a zombie after naps, feeling my heart fluttering

• taking way too long to pick what to wear, making scenarios in my head on what people would thing - sloppy, cool, doesn't match, something.

• random feeling of OVERWHELMENT in my chest - almost reacting like if someone f**king died

• my shoulders randomly feeling I'm carrying around a flour sack, feeling so heavy, stepping around like a giant

• daydreaming a lot, escaping reality into a fantasy world of some sort

• tight throat, brain enclosing, feeling SMALL...

• constantly thinking about... all of the above.
  

Yeah, it's HAUNTING!!!

And the worst of it all, I feel like I'm on autopilot. I'm completely aware of all of this happening in my body, but its difficult to control once I get my hand on the wheel.

I'm living in a mental turbulence.

So I felt like this at work too. It was not easy for me to handle high-school kids and work with certain teachers. Don't get me wrong, I had great moments working there. The kids are great and very funny. The school throws a lot of fun activities. However as time passed, my mental health was NOT having a good time there.

I became drained when doing tasks. I was uncomfortable, becoming paranoid, aware of the tragedies that happen in schools around the world. I felt anxious to approach students and teachers, to confront others on unwanted behaviors. Felt like no one was listening, or respecting me. This particular school didn't even have windows, so the kids and I went through the seven-hour day with no sunlight.

I found myself dreading to go to work, even crying in my car one time. Additionally, I felt like my loved ones did not understand my situation well.

I keep getting the same line "You shouldn't have to worry about anything there is nothing wrong with you". Yes, I'm happy with what I have right now, but it's like living with a curse inside of me that exaggerates my stress, and puts me in a state of impending doom for no damn reason.

I needed help. I couldn't get help there, and I didn't feel like I was being helped, especially after requesting multiple times and eventually becoming scared to ask them for anything anymore. And the internal pressure of trying to stay strong for the kids, be an adult, suck it up and do my job... I was losing. So I wiped my hands clean of that place, and I decided to leave... because the last thing I want is to get an emotional crash.

It took a lot of courage to quit because it was a decent job to get me by. I did my job well. I'm relieved I have enough money saved to last me until I find another. Within all the chaotic bullet points... I have hope that I'll get a job within a month or two.

So in the meantime, I'm working on my art. I am CREATING :D!!!!

Art and storytelling are my passions, and my gift. It's what I want to do with my life. I've been attending school for five years and I've had my BFA for almost two years. But no job.

So... many... rejections. So many "we wish you on your future endeavors" 🤢

I felt like I failed. Felt like my work wasn't good enough. Felt like this unpaid internship I'm in now is not enough. But it's experience, and it's what I have right now. And if we release the mobile game, I'd get my name on the credits, portfolio pieces, and a killer resume 🤘!

Shout-out to my supportive boyfriend. The OG! After my last day of work, he surprised me with new tools to make journals <3 And during the first week, he was home, helping me get through the day and stick to my new schedule, now that I'm a full-time artist.

Lately, I've been researching how to make stickers and journals. It's something I REALLY wanted to do for a long time but never had the time or materials... until now. I thought that would be cool to experiment, make cool stuff, and open up an online shop. And if I'm lucky, that'll be what keeps me going for the years coming.

Sh*t, if lucky, my stuff can be sold at a mfing Spencer's, Hot Topic or Second and Charles! But it's not luck... it's work 😩

I also wanted to grow my social media and have a safe but fun place to post my art. Share music. Connect with other artists. Be me. Yet... it's not gonna be easy considering the internal mess I'm dealing with.

The energy to post and create. The courage to upload and share. The capacity for all of the projects I want to do.

So yeah, I'm facing anannoying dungeon boss called Anxiety.

I'm fully aware of its presence, and truth be told, there's a part of me that's a bit hesitant about letting it go. In some cases, my racing thoughts help me creatively, brainstorming art pieces and general ideas. And there are instances where my anxiety acts as a protective shield, signaling when it might not be the right time to dive into something too overwhelming, or potentially dangerous.

But what I don't want my anxiety to f*cking do to me is to shove fear down my throat for every damn opportunity that is out there for me.

This is scary for me because we all need to work to live, right? Damn, I'm already nervous about the interviews, which have to be the HARDEST part of any job search, especially for socially anxious people 😩

I remember when I had my interview for the school, I was picking my nails to the point I bled. Thankfully they didn't see... but it was weird when they reach their left hand for a shake I used my right which forced them to switch. But yeah - I was THAT anxious 😵 I have a HORRIBLE habit of picking my nails and destroying my skin. Didn't realize it until recently.

So I determined I needed a screening.

I need to know what exactly I have so I can take care of myself. But also I need to acknowledge this in my job applications on that page to confirm any "disabilities". The biggest fear I have right now is to be discriminated for my mental health. The beginning of a new job can be rough for people like me, adapting to a whole new environment. A whole new ritual. But once I get the groove of things, I feel perfectly functional, content and... normal. Fingers crossed they give me a shot.

To document this growth, this wild journey, I'll be posting some updates on my blog :)

It feels weird to spill the beans of my business to the world but it's storytelling. I personally find it more comforting to read other people's experiences. Real people's experiences. And this is the real me. So I hope my story can help others to achieve the goals they want and relate to some of these strange things I'm feeling. Because... it is strange. It's scary. I feel fuck*ed up, and alone. But so do other people. And sometimes it feels safer to stay silent, but we need to acknowledge it so it can go away.

If any of you are struggling with some inner demons, funky sensations, or stuck on figuring out what path to take with your careers, I VERY much encourage talking to someone. I've seen therapists and career counselors which helped me think about things, and gave me some homework to tackle.

Write up a journal too. Believe me, it's so f*cking relieving to get your b.s down on paper so it won't be stuck in your head. And writings fun. It's crafty.

And talk to your family. A trusted friend. It was VERY difficult for me to open up. I felt super embarrassed of my mind... afraid to trauma dump on people. But these are the people who are close to you, they should know what's going on with you so they can keep an eye on you and support you however they can. Share what you feel comfortable with, but really, consider a therapist so you can get a professional input.

And something I learned too - know your tribe. You can't change the people around you but you can change the people around you. The school wasn't for me. I wish to be around people more creative. People who are willing to collaborate with me. People who I feel like I can fit in with, my age group, weird and quirky, wild flowers, artists and writers.

And with this tribe you will feel less alone. You will be surrounded by support, mentors, and potential life-friends, and we all deserve that.

Thank you for reading my post 🙏 hope you all have a wonderful day, take care of yourselves and I write next time ☀