Being the passenger seat in my own mind watching anxiety drive like a crazy mf

Hi homies :)

What I'm about to share to you was a blog post / journal entry I was writing fresh of a... little panic attack. No need to boo-hoo me, I'm not at the edge right now. I'm sharing this because I feel like anxiety is one of those misunderstood emotions we can have, making a big deal from a whole lot of hooplah.

Anxiety took over me in this particular moment and I fully acknowledge it. I did some things that were pretty fking dramatic, knowing they were pretty fking dramatic to begin with. Hence how this whole experience reminded me of being in the passenger seat in my own mind, watching my anxiety drive like a crazy mf.

So yeah.

Enjoy :D !

(this AI sht is chaotic... like wtf is going on lmao)

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Thursday 7/11/2024

[No, I didn't get a slurppy :<]

So just now, writing with a face of crusted tears and snot (ugh, so sexy), I overcame a wild panic attack and it’s not even noon bruh.

I just came back from a journey, k? A journey to seek a reasonable place to get my undercut shaved at a reasonable price. Bonus if they are able to make one of those dope geometric designs.

Tomorrow is the day of my first art market at Leland emo night. I’ve been going HORD making shit and today is the most important day because I’m finishing up my business card design. And once that’s done I have to assemble them which takes a couple of hours. 

Since I was already out and about, summoned by my bf bc he left his JBL speaker at home and his crew can’t work without dem beatz, after I dropped it off, I got some stuff done. I printed something from the library and from there I went salon / barber hopping. 

Now guys…Haircuts. Give. Me. Fucking. Anxiety.

Some places charge WAYYY too much.

Dealing with new people cutting my hair.

Not knowing how it'll look afterward...

And if I don’t like it I gotta wait for it to grow out. 

I think this is the underlying reason why I chose this year to grow out my hair. So I can avoid getting haircuts ><

So for me to go from salon to salon, opening the door to a whole new place, and people STARING at me… was killing me softly. I visited about 5 salons and settled on a place that I’ve been to before and made an appointment for 6. Even so I continued to look around for other options.

$40 for an undercut??? Bitch please. Also, my downtown area has A LOT of salons like geez… that's some competition. Barber shop across the street from another barber.

Barber shops b like

Anyways, I got hot and bothered (it was like 80 degrees out i was in all black) and I couldn't wait to get the fk home.

Once I got home I dropped the leggings for shorts, ate some flan, plopped at my desk to finish my art… and I cried.

My mind began racing about issues that were as small as a pebble to me on a normal day. Today felt like a f*cking boulder. Crushing me into the ground.

I was no longer grounded; I was sinking into a grave of my own demise.

So I started to spam text my bf. And one of my good friends. And my mom. All while crying. 

And the whole time I’m aware of how ridiculous I sound in these texts. But the anxiety couldn’t help itself and just spam spam spam send. 

My friend probably got a heart attack when she read it because it was all over the fking place. I was asking my place in our friend group if I’m truly their friend or merely an attachment. If my existence is truly valued.

Yeah. Dramatic.

The string ended with me apologizing, and explained why I was tweaking: I was out trying to find someone to give me a haircut. 

Basically, the haircut journey triggered me. 

Texting my mom, she reminded me about all the nice things I have right now. Which yes I am aware of it and truly fking blessed. But my anxiety took over and decided I was fcked up. That none of that mattered right now and what mattered is wtf I was feeling.

This moment reminded me of one morning before work (at the job I actually liked) I woke up with a random ass dark cloud over my head, feeling like someone died. I cried in the shower that morning, curled up like an armadillo, sobbing under sprinkling hot water and sadness. My bf drove me to work and picked me up, because I was afraid how I would be behind a wheel along with my thoughts in morning traffic. And I was fine for the rest of the day. 

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7/12/2024

Now its the next day. Tonight's da night :P and dude I'm so hype. I'm so ready.

Kinda. Might b missing something but I feel over 80% ready.

So an update on yesterday's avalanche of anxiety, yeah, I was fine. Those "issues" shrunk in the dryer and I focused on my own sht.

Had a nice chat with my friend, our usual pow-wows. In my text I sounded like I was living in doomsday. It was like a whole different person took over. Then once we got on the phone I was like "yooo I'm so sorry bro I tweaked I'm good now 😂 "

We talked shit and resonated with each other. I re-realized I put a lot of mental effort and energy into something that didn't require that much because it likely didn't exchange an equal amount back to me. However, it was still an underlying issue where lots of evidence winked at me, and made me feel gross.

And no I'm not going into detail its private lol. But it a matter I deeply cared about, which anxiety evolved it into something entirely different, taking it very extra. As it loves to do 🙄

My boyfriend was okay too as I delivered him a similar response "omg sorry I was freaking out I'm good now" . When he arrived home I felt embarrassed 🤐 even if we continued the day like nothing happened.

I've been on a sexy streak on no mental breakdowns. Life has been treating me well and I've been treating it well. Before I made the big changes for a more peaceful life, I think I would've had these episodes more often. (Not the type of series I dreamt of making...) On top of that I'd be on a day-long rant about what was bothering me, dumping all that sht on my boo, even if he's a great listener and support system I'm truly blessed with 🖤

Anxiety will always be inside me, even if I am treating it effectively. I'm just glad when I freaked out about God-knows-what it was temporary, not keeping me up at night.

That night I settled on a salon I've been to before. And this sweet lady dolled me up the day b4 my library interview, so it was time to give her a four-months-later update anyway and have her do her magic b4 my first art market ;D

It's wild though. Silently wanna pull my hair know after all that energy searching for a salon nearby, being hot and bothered, I just went to the last place I got a haircut??? Bruh I can't even deal with myselfffff >_< But hey, it was worth and I was very happy with the results.

Fresh undercut. Cutie bangs. Tidied up layers. I feel majestic.

But yeah, thought that would be interesting to share, how my anxiety basically took the wheel of my day for a good hour. How anxiety is like an entity of in itself. Another being.

I felt like I was in the passenger seat watching myself drive like a mad-woman. Sometimes I just have to let it b*itch, as long as I took accountability for my recklessness.

Like a child with a temper tantrum, I had to let it have its run so it can stop crying. Then I can focus. Because this mental breakdown was a release.

When you release, you will have space for other things that truly matter. After ranting about my bs I got what I needed to get done that night, even if it took until 1AM. However, if I bottled up all that toxic air within me, I would likely surrender the whole day. Surrender to my bed. All sound asleep into a better realm. Then to wake up feeling like I f*cked myself over, realizing I just wasted so much time, sacrificing my energy to avoid everything and everyone.

This is how I dealt with a lot of my issues. Holy f*ck I used to sleep until noon when I could :( And I was not a happy camper waking up at 6 to get ready for work.

i think about this meme all the time

But like any New Yorker at a restaurant, I hate to waste 😂 I needed to take advantage of the time I have to be progressive. To breathe the air. To flow with the day. All that time I've spent sleeping on my problems I could've used solving them instead in a more healthier way.

I'm so f*cking grateful for the support system I had yesterday. My boyfriend. My girl friend. My mom. My journaling. My art. My patio. Sometimes there are meltdowns I cannot take on solo. A fragment of my anxiety doesn't wish to drag others in with me. Luckily, I guess I released in a way as it were a call for help instead of a "JOIN MY DEMISEEEE" type shit lol

Till this day I still feel ashamed and embarrassed to be someone who has these kinds of moments, bugging the f*ck out about nothing and everything. But I have to remember that I'm human. And that I'm much more resilient than before. That this will eventually pass and this is just a release.

My point with my whole tale is that if you ever feel like a drama queen with your issues, with your depression and anxiety, I hope you have a badass support system. Not just friends, family, or a handy therapist on your phone, but ways that you can cope all on your own. Coping mechanisms. Journaling. Meditating. Drinking water. A stroll in your nearby park.

Don't be tempted to cry yourself to sleep. You are much stronger than that. But if you have to cry, it's okay. Release. But don't give up. This sadness is temporary.

The more you are aware how you react to triggers, and identifying your own behaviors towards them, the better the chance you will be able to take the wheel and keep steady.

The only way to get rid of anxiety is to face anxiety.

Here's a great video to watch so I can stop ranting lol! This doctor guy makes awesome videos about mental health and has very comforting voice ^^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHI3Z1omCzI

Sending good vibes. - Krim