A moment of snail-brain brought me purpose :U !!!

Thought this would be a good time to start this blog post.

Because right now, in this very moment, I feel tight in my own mental space.

It's soooo fucking weird broooo :(

I was fine earlier today, even woke up early. Ate good. Then during the drive to work at noon, suddenly I have the dire need for a fat nap. It became hard to tackle my to-do list. I couldn't read anything my eyes drifted off. I couldn't brainstorm. On top of that my chest feels tight, my throat. Just utter exhaustion.

So yeah, I got hella snail-brain.

And whenever I feel like this I whip out my phone, open Adobe Acrobat, and open my Blank Entry PDF document and I started filling it out.

Still feeling a bit funky 'cause I'm at work, but once the opportunity opens I can work on solutions. Take a walk. Get some air. Drink some water. Eat a snack. Make try one of those weird breathing exercises in the bathroom. Or rather in my car with my plushies. And some bard-core.

But yeah homies, its very weird. I've been doing pretty well these past couple months. No weird spells fking up my day. No snail-brain. But it likes to creep up and make the day difficult. I almost don't feel real right now. Like this is all another weird vivid dream.

And IMAGINE THAT WHILE DRIVING?!

I'm aware there are people out there who might feel the same or even worse. My spells have been so OP before I began treatment, found effective rituals and identified triggers. (Also, I like how I'm sounding pretty witchy rn lul because it is like a spell.)

Sure, I could also call my anxiety a "curse", however, I've come to accept I live with this inside of me. Sometimes it even helps me in situations that turn out to be super fking dangerous, or from me making bad, painfully embarrassing decisions.

And then there's times the anxiety wants to take over and protect me from something that doesn't seem as dangerous. Something that might seem like a pretty sweet opportunity. On top of that I get intrusive thoughts that replays themselves over and over again like pressing 4 on a YouTube video.

Everyday I'm in some sort of battle with this spell. Do I allow it to wash over me or flick my fan and be like "BE GONE THOT?!"

First thing I'd advice everyone is to Acknlowledge the spell within you.

I share this in my journal too. Just like that weird saying "lets talk about the elephant in the room"... yeah you gotta acknowledge the snail in the brain. Because he's all up in that shit. And now thinking about a snail wiggling itself in my fking brain... I feel a little molested now 😂😭

Anyways, in my snail-brain journal I put together two pages for you guys to acknowledge that fucker through a simple checklist and a few written responses. You may not feel those symptoms right now, but if EVER, I encouraged the box to be checked. Then reflect on those more in the next page on how it affects your day-to-day.

An example is checking "memory problems" and "difficulty in starting/finishing something". (I got a lot of others, probably the whole fking list, but let's just start with those lol)

My memory is a big thing I worry about. I fking hate it that I remembered I was thinking about something inspiring, or super important, but I can't just remember what. I remembered that I forgot🥴(HOOLEH SHITTT!) I forget names and faces it takes me a while with constant presence to get it.

(But also there's the saying "if you can't remember it's not really that important anyway?" Nah, don't trust it)

Having some kind of notebook or note-taking app on me helps me with this memory issue. I found that writing vs typing has made my memory a lil better because I'm taking the time to draw these shapes and symbols. Crossing them T's dotting them I's. Typing helps to quickly get something down, then I usually write THAT later so it can stick.

(So yeah if you haven't seen my dope Trailing Thoughts pocket notebooks that's a PERFECT little thing to carry around ;D)

Then the 2nd one: difficult to start / finish something. I tend to overthink before starting a project. Feels like one of those boot-devices cops put on peoples cars but on my brain. I wanna go and do the thing but I just can't move until I take care of whatever the boot is.

I ask myself: What is blocking me right now? What is keeping me from going?

Writing has helped me with this to identify those blockages, but also to get organized. I reflected that I was a pretty good student in school. And when you're a student you got due dates. My art is my decision, my hobby, I can do it at any time. However, I did decide it to be my job too, so I should treat it like my job.

Trello has been my best fu*king friend where I make monthly and weekly to-do lists. I begin with what I want to get done for the month, then every Sunday I set specific projects/tasks for the week due to my existing schedule. For example if I work at the library in week A I could use that time for blogging and writing, where week B I can draw and make journals on the three days I'm not working at the library. Ya?

I do weekly lists because I feel I'd stress myself too much if I wanted something done TOMORROW. Eventually it'll change but this is working for me so far. And oh god let me tell you if you haven't know this already girl... when you finish something important, something you've been meaning to do for a while, that took you so much effort... your nips will be so hard. It's the best fu*king feeling ever 🤤

But yes, it's difficult to start. And with finishing, I'm a little fucking perfectionist. Slowly but surely I'm learning this: it can always be perfect, but it's enough. Upload it anyway. And shoot, maybe in a few months, redraw it and share that too side by side. I've seen artists do that its sicc.

So back to my main point, acknowledging the spell. The snail snacking on some thicc tasty membrane. Don't let him do that bro :< you are much stronger than that little snail. If your mental health is affecting your day to day, there are ways to parkour around those hurdles.

It breaks my heart knowing there are people who prefer to drown in their depression. To top it off with some Titos and heart disease. I've been in states where I felt like I could not get up to rid of that suffocation. It's not like I don't want to, I couldn't.

Honestly, I was at several points thinking I would never get better.

So just now while freshly typing this post, I helped a patron make a copy of some documents. She kindly asked me "excuse me miss, can you help Xerox this for me?" and my brain started twitching going "God wtf is a Xerox again fk". (It's an old-school scanner lol). And before she wandered off she muttered "I can cross that off my list".

Cute little old lady I was even taller than her (not that it matters lol). But what she said made me smile, and think. Does she also have a little book with a to-do list? Or a mental list? Dunno, but sounded like she had some sh*t to do today.

It was some pretty important documents too. Imagine not having the energy to get the f*ck up, zombie over to your car, and get it done? My homies and I are like that with tax day. Or car repairs. (Sht, I still gotta fix mine >_<)

She even asked for help, which is another thing I find challenging within myself. If I don't know how to do something, I end up delaying the task. My anxiety plays a part here, telling me I'd be a embarrassment to society if I went to my local library to request some help 3D printing a snail because I'm young and sort of smart with a degree and some experience-- NU.

Stahp.

U bich.

So yeah, she came at a good time. I may be overanalyzing it but if a tiny old lady can pull up to the library by herself asking for help and get shit done, I can too. You can too ;D

Hence the reasons why I'm enjoying my job here at the library and why I'm enjoying making cool sht. I like helping people. I feel you; shit is overwhelming. The world is changing. People are changing. We want to be seen and heard and helped. We want to be surrounded by good energy and clean air and nice things and polite people.

I really hope this Snail-Brain journal I'm working on kicks off well enough to help a lot of people like how it helped me. It's been four months in the making and I want to get this sh*t out by the end of this summer for you guys. After reading all these books by these dope entrepreneur women I'm thinking about shooting them an email and tell them about TMM and my blog.

This moment of snail-brain (which is now cured btw after blabbering ;D yey) has brought me purpose.

Feel like purpose is one of those big throbbing P words that may seem cheesy but let be real: I don't know when I'ma fking die. I want my life to have meaning before it ends. Adventures. Milestones. Concerts. Cool sht. Amazing people. Petting a sloth. I want to contribute in a way where I'm not scanning $5 frozen dinners full-time or being harassed and doubted by my co-workers. We all deserve to live a life with meaning, comfort, love and stability.

Living with fear and anxiety of the world and what others think of you is one thing but living with anxiety and depression and ADHD and OCD is another. I don't want any of those things to get in the way of what I'd like to do with my own fucking life. Accept that it happens, but keep doing you.

Sending good vibes. - Krim